Tuesday was an emotionally difficult day in my home. My youngest daughter who is seven years old, was struggling with distance learning. Her frustration and agitation kept rearing its head during her virtual school day. She was having a hard time getting a text box to move where she wanted it on her laptop. Then she was trying to “draw” a ladder with her computer, but couldn’t make it draw even one straight line. And, the hits just kept on coming. When these things did not work out the way she thought they should, the feelings would overwhelm her, and she would act out her feelings. And, of course, my attempts to help her only frustrated her more. She desperately wanted things to be perfect.
Now, those who have known me for a long time would smile at this and probably say something like, “the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree.” And they would be right. I get it. I absolutely grew up wanting and expecting perfection. Especially from myself. I remember crying for hours on end when I got a C in handwriting in 6th grade. I remember the extreme disappointment when my final high school GPA was 3.98. That felt absolutely unacceptable. It was not a 4.0. Honestly, when I think about it now, almost three decades later, there is still a bit of a sting…
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend about her desire for herself to be perfect. In our culture there seems to be a pervasive belief that we need to strive for perfection. I have had similar conversations countless times. And after treating hundreds, if not thousands, of women and men with chronic pain, I have come to understand that these pervasive perfectionist tendencies are strong and go quite deep in so many of us.
This is what I’d like to write about today. Our idea that we are supposed to be perfect. I get it. I am a recovering perfectionist.
I am not here to comment on our society, but to offer up the idea of grace and compassion.
The truth is, perfection is unattainable, and when we strive for perfection in ourselves, we set ourselves up to recreate feelings of failure. Not only do we typically feel bad that we aren’t perfect, but then our minds often come up with thoughts that make us feel bad about ourselves. Some call this “the second arrow.” Not only do our minds beat ourselves up for not being or doing something the way we think it should, but often we then beat ourselves up for not being good enough on top of that. Often, our minds get into the habit of ruminating on these critical thoughts. This is catastrophic thinking.
Maybe you struggle with anxiety and thoughts like, “I can’t deal with this!” or “I suck; I’ll never get this right!” Sound familiar?
Or maybe you struggle with chronic pain. Maybe thoughts like, “I’ll never be able to sit long enough to go on a car trip!” or “I’ll never be able to be intimate again!” Sound familiar?
If these types of thoughts are familiar to you, you are not alone. In fact, I’d venture to say that you are among the majority.Have you ever thought about what your mindset tendency is regarding your self expectations?
My invitation is for you to have an intention to have an awareness of any mindset tendencies you may have. When something you are trying to do does not work out the way you thought it should, what type of thoughts jump into you mind? Can you notice your mindset?
AND, can you become aware of how your body feels when these thoughts come into your mind? That’s my second invitation: to become aware of how your body feels when this type of mindset takes over.
Even becoming aware of our mindset and how it can affect our bodies will begin to lighten our load. As your awareness increases, the strength of that second arrow will begin to dissolve–even if ever so slightly. An intention of having a tiny bit of awareness can allow just enough grace and compassion to seep into the perfectionist mindset and slowly begin to take away its power over us.
So, who’s with me? Who wants to begin the path of becoming a recovering perfectionist?
If you would like to explore and begin to live more aligned in your mind and body, you are welcome to schedule mind-body coaching sessions with me.